August 21, 2012 ...

                                        My devotional thoughts were directed to Psalm 42 this morning, and the questions were pointed.  “Why ARE you cast down oh my soul?”  and the directive to hope in God , given twice.  In the middle of the Psalmist reminds himself of the love Yahweh …the one who keeps covenants:  giving love by day and songs by night.  No matter how much I hurt … no matter how messy I feel like this is… no matter how much I still miss my parents even at my age, Jesus is here.  I think that may be one implication of deep calling to deep … when we think we’re drowning in grief and sadness, God is deeper and He is there to catch us … “deep calls to deep” (vs. 7).  As an unknown author said, “there is no pit so deep, but God is not deeper still.”  And maybe it’s time I asked the Father to sing me a song or two.  I hear He has  a lovely voice.

August 5, 2012

Today was a hard day. I can’t explain why.  It just was. I woke up wanting to cry and it went downhill from there. God graciously gave control where it was needed.   I’ve had a good weekend overall.  I don’t understand the sadness.  This evening Pastor Wilburn spoke from Psalm 73. There was a quote from Spurgeon, that in essence said, “God permits sometimes permits  difficult things in our lives not so much to burn out the dross, but to burn in the promises.” That resonated with me … I know I’m not perfect, but in these days of loss, I faced so much guilt … that promises have become foreign. I pray that in these hours promises can be burned into my heart and mind.  Whenever I’ve faced trials in the past, it never occurred to me that God was trying to burn his promises into this chronic worrier.  Pastor went onto quote George Matheson , a blind preacher of Scotland, giving another take on pain and loss,

"My God, I have never thanked Thee for my thorn. I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but not once for my thorn. I have been looking forward to a world where I shall get compensation for my cross; but I have never thought of my cross as itself a present glory. Teach me the glory of my cross; teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows."Amen. (Wilburn, Salem Baptist, 8/5/2012)

God meets us at when we need Him … when we seek Him …He is there.

August 4, 2012

Two entries today since I missed yesterday …

Grandpa’s Candy Cabinet

Memories are funny things. They can evoke both laughter  and tears; more often than not I have been experiencing the latter.  I guess it’s the nature of grief and the way healing goes. I have been reading books dealing with grief lately and one of the points made is that often the more deeply we loved, the more deeply we will grieve. It’s how things are.  I had the privilege of spending some time with a friend today.  Being with her recalled some memories from childhood.  One of those memories was Grandpa’s candy cabinet.  My maternal grandfather had an insatiable sweet tooth. To satisfy that sweet tooth, he kept an assortment of candy readily available... orange slices, chocolates, hard candy, bucket candy at Christmas... you name it, it was likely there.  It was, however, locked away in a china cabinet.  We grandchildren would often ask, usually after Sunday lunch, ”Grandpa, can we have some candy? “ He would take his keys, unlock the cabinet, and into our outstretched, expectant hands, drop a few morsels. There was one Saturday, when I was too sick to leave the house.  I was spending the day languishing on couch in our den.  Grandpa was over at the house for a meeting related to the church.  He brought me some of his treasured chocolate stars from his cabinet, because he thought they would soothe my throat.  I was touched by this gesture of kindness by my otherwise reserved grandfather.   Why this memory today?  Maybe God knew that I needed to be reminded once again of the love that surrounded my family so that my heart be not overwhelmed with sorrow.  Love is of God.  The love that has existed in my family trans- generationally is a gift that only He can give. May I rest in His embrace and its blanket of memories during these days of grieving. 

So Run

I was watching the Olympics this evening and the utter elation with which the winners received and embraced their medals.  I was reminded of these words by the Apostle Paul  in I Corinthians 9: ²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize.” (NLT).  There have been times in recent days that I have been tempted to despair of life itself., but watching those athletes just now reminded me that I am running a race … for an eternal prize … I want the gold in that day.  Even though we say we live for an audience of One, Hebrews 11 plainly tells us that we have an audience in the heavenlies cheering us on.  I can’t disappoint them either.  To the finish line! Sola Deo Gloria!

August 2, 2012

I’m beginning to understand why the man from Gadara dwelt among the tombs.  After work today, I needed to run an errand that took me by the cemetery where Mom and Dad are buried. We opted for traditional burials, because when making the choice the mausoleum reminded me too much of a filing cabinet.  There was a purpose to my visit … I wanted to be sure the marker was done to my satisfaction.  The aura of graveyard is hopelessness … that must have been why the man spent his life among the tombs … until Jesus came.  The cool thing about where my parents are buried is that there is a huge cross …. They are essentially resting in the shadow of the cross until the trumpet sounds and we are once again reunited to be with our Savior. Our Moravian brethren have sought to redeem the idea of death and the grave by calling their graveyards “God’s Acre.”   Over many Moravian cemeteries are arches with the inscription “Till the day breaks and the shadows flee away” Song of Solomon 2:17.  I’ve often remarked that I’m thankful that I was reared in the Christian and Missionary Alliance … I learned to love Missions and developed a passion for God’s work worldwide in that small denomination. I’m glad I spent my adult years in Baptist ("with a lower case b") circles, it was there I developed the theology to solidify my assurance of salvation and develop my own walk with God.  For some crazy reason I want to die a Moravian …because they seem to die with the praises of Jesus on their lips.

 Here is one of the standard Moravian Hymns:

Jesus, Thy blood and righteousness
my beauty are, my glorious dress;
'Midst flaming worlds, in these arrayed,
with joy shall I lift up my head.

Bold shall I stand in Thy great day,
For who ought to my charge shall lay?
Fully absolved through these I am,
From sin and fear, from guilt and shame.

Lord, I believe Thy precious blood,
Which, at the mercy seat of God,
Forever doth for sinners plead,
For me, e'en for my soul, was shed.

When from the dust of death I rise
To claim my mansion in the skies,
E'en then shall this be all my plea,
Jesus hath lived, hath died for me!

O let the dead now hear Thy voice!
Now bid Thy ransomed ones rejoice!
Their beauty this, their glorious dress,
Jesus, the Lord our Righteousness.

By: Count  Nicolaus Ludwig von Zinzendorf

Trans: John Wesley

August 1, 2011

August 1, 2012

Sometimes I feel I pass my days in a stupor. I get up, dress, go to work, come home, go to bed, live life between, do whatever, go to bed.  Life goes on.  The Psalms of Ascent have given me a yearning for something more.  I share something with these pilgrims in terms of loss … maybe not in degree, but all loss brings a sense of confusion and abandonment.  In Psalm 126 the pilgrims have shed this utter sense of loss, because Jehovah God has delivered them.  Their weeping has turned to joy.  During this time of, God wants me, above all, to immerse myself in His Word; for that is where my hope is found.

                 Jesus came forth with as the captives’ deliverer’

                  To my grief-stricken heart, he offered peace

                 Now He holds me fast; I stand firm as the mountains;

                 I know in His presence, my heart finds release.

July 31, 2012

I braced myself for the day. I knew that it would be difficult. It was my mother’s birthday.  As I was writing these words, I happened to remember I needed to make a call … It was also the birthday of her sister, who was born six years before she was.  There was another sibling born twelve years before my mother.  She predeceased her. There was actually an article in the Winston-Salem Journal on my mother’s fourth birthday featuring all three girls in a story since to have siblings born exactly six years apart is somewhat unusual. My aunt was married to a UMC pastor until his death. She was also a reading teacher in title one schools – an impressive lady.    She has had her own health challenges in the past couple of years … it made her happy for me to call her on her birthday (she told me three times).  I was glad I made the call.   Sometimes the voice of God breaks through our grief and tells us to live beyond ourselves … it pays to heed that voice.

                                                Jesus broke through when grief held me in darkness;

                                               His love beaming forth bid me come to the light.

                                               My chains of defeat fell unfettered around me,

                                               I walk now in truth; what my God does is right.

                               

       

                                                                                                   

This is The Day

This was a tough day. I don’t know why; I just wanted to cry a lot of the time. I had wanted to organize   my books by genre and author so they would be more usable in future semesters.  That project had been on the table for the first week of the summer before everything happened, and I thing finally getting around to it just flooded my mind with memories.  The tears finally came when I got in my vehicle to leave.  I waited until they subsided, because tears and texting are to inimical to driving,

My Bible study paralleled Romans 8 and it was suggested that I write it as though God were writing it to me, so here goes

                                Romans 8:28 I will cause all things to work for your good so that your life is masterpiece that glorifies me

                                Romans8:29 I will make you look like my Son, Jesus (in character) … that’s why I created you

                                Romans 8:33I will not entertain charges against you in the high court of Heaven …Jesus is there praying and pleading on your behalf

                                Romans 8:30 I called you … I will keep calling you … I will not leave you… I will n (ot let you drift so that you are lost forever …I will draw you back … I know your heart

                                Romans 8:38-39 I will keep you  …nothing will separate you from  me

Sometimes in the milieu of life we feel forsaken or forgotten by God.  The words of a Gospel song have resonated with me. I heard it sung years ago by a lady who was in a hard trial herself:

                                  “I will trust when I cannot see … when I’m faced with adversity

                                    And believe God’s way is always best for me. I will trust when I cannot see”

                                                                                                                                           (John W. Peterson)

July 29, 2012

Jesus Cares

We had a good service at church this morning.  Pastor spoke of the demoniac of Gadara from Mark 5. One man longing to be released from 2,000 demons that had bound him for who knows how long … then Jesus came …

                   From home and friends the evil spirits drove him,
                   Among the tombs he dwelt in misery;
                  He cut himself as demon powers possessed him,
                  Then Jesus came and set the captive free.
                  Chorus
                 When Jesus comes, the tempter's power is broken;
                 When Jesus comes, the tears are wiped away, (they will be some day)
                 He takes the gloom and fills the life with glory,
                 For all is changed when Jesus comes to stay.  (Oswald Smith)

From this narrative portion, we learn that Jesus cares. He seeks to reach the hurting and longing heart.  These two past months and a half have been tough.  Not only have I been faced with loss of my dad and I admit that I have grieved rather intensely, but I have battled the ongoing physical issues that I have known for several years. I know from reading on Facebook others walk deeper and darker valleys than I am walking, but sometimes when I am in the midst of a trial it’s easy to get tunnel vision.  I was good to be reminded this morning that Jesus cares. No valley is too deep or too dark.  I want to encourage my fellow travelers that Jesus does care.  To do that, I will include the words the song Pastor read this morning. I heard them for the first time as Bible college student and later requested that the gospel song which they comprise be sung at my grandfather’s funeral. During these the past few months, the Lord has brought to mind several times.

                                                Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
                                                 Too deeply for mirth or song,
                                                As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
                                                And the way grows weary and long                                 

Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near

Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?

Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Refrain:

Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,                                                                                                                  I know my Savior cares. (by Frank E. Graeff 1901)

 

                

                                        

My Protector

 

I’ve been reading through the Psalms of Ascents in my quiet time, using Beth Moore’s Stepping Up and Eugene Petersen’s A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.  These psalms were designed to be sung as the Jewish people scaled the temple mount for their various feast days. I’ve read Psalm 121 many times. Each time I’ve heard it read, it has been in the context of claiming physical protection.  I believe that it was certainly appropriate, for the road to Jerusalem and the temple was ripe with danger. They needed the Lord’s protection.   In my more recent readings, however, I have focused on spiritual protection as I prayed through the psalm.  When I look at the hills I think of the manificent Andes Mountains, but as great as they as they are, they are no value when I really  need help.  My only true help is from the God who made them.  Lord you  kept me from falling tonight when that kid almost knocked me over, but I think allowing  my foot to slip is also a really cool metaphor – that you  won’t let me fall so hard spiritually  that I’ll be separated from You forever , i.e. that I’ll lose my salvation.  With protection like that, what more can I ask?

                                                        Jaguar-Take One

 Jaguar, a miniature schnauzer really belongs to a neighbor, but makes frequent visits to our home.  For the past two summers (2010, 2011) we dog sat her while her owners vacationed.   It was in the nascent stages of our relation that I began to observe the peculiarities of canine behavior.  We live in one of a row of town houses.  The back of them faces a rather busy street while the front faces a nice yard with apple trees, just beyond our driveway. One morning Jaguar’s owner had burnt the toast for breakfast.  Instead of throwing it on the ground, she speared a piece on a tree branch. Apparently, Jag didn’t miss a beat; as soon as the door was open she flew outside, across the lot, scaled the wall in one fell swoop, leapt up, grabbed the toast, and gobbled it down.  I imagine that Jaguar hadn’t the slightest bit of interest in that burnt toast, but in her doggie mind … it was “What’s mine is mine and I’m going to keep it.”   Okay, so, I’m anthropomorphizing, but there is a method in my madness.  To what extent do we as humans go to defend our turf and do we not look as silly as the picture I just gave you of Jaguar?

As we have gotten to know Jaguar, she has brought great joy to many. Her owners jokingly refer to her as the “neighborhood association dog.”   She visited our elderly neighbor until his death from kidney failure brought on by a heart condition and several falls.  She would "put on a show"  in  their living room by lying on her back and wiggling around.  She would announce her presence by barking at their front door … to the simple command, “Tell them you’re here.”   She loved to beg animal crackers.  To some of my readers this may sound ridculous. She knew how to be a friend -- and she still does.

Jaguar and my dad had a special bond. Daddy loved dogs. He and Jaguar were a common sight on the university campus where I work.   My last memory of the two of them is being able to get the dog into Palliative Care.  We had been through a grueling time in ICU, and we now knew nothing more could be done.  God was calling him home. We filed necessary paperwork and in came Monica, John, and Jaguar.  I am so thank the Lord allowed it to happen on his last day on earth.

The Leviathan…A Lesson in Trust

This summer in our Vacation Bible School, we have been looking at the days of creation.  Our unique approach is going on Wednesday evenings throughout the summer. On this fifth Wednesday just before our final gala next week, our attention turned to man and dinosaurs. Our curriculum is published by Answers in Genesis (http://answersvbs.com/2012/).  In Bible time, the kids talked about behemoth and leviathan. During snack time, I recapped the Bible lesson. I was enthralled with the description of leviathan in Job 41.  Job has come through utter devastation … he lost his land, his children, his health, and his wife told him to get it over with to  just “curse God and die (the O.T.  equivalent of committing suicide, somewhere that he had committed for which God was judging him. Their tirades went on and on, and Job sought to vindicate himself. A much younger friend, Elihu also came along at the end, with clearer, yet imperfect understanding.  He rebuked Job for attempting to justify himself rather than seeking to glorify God.  Job cried out for a “daysman” (Job 9:33), i.e. an umpire, a mediator.  God finally moves on the scene with series of rhetorical questions fired rapidly at Job.  It is the ones about Leviathan that caught my attention.  The description of leviathan in Job 41 through God’s questions  gives pause … pretend for a moment you are on that lonely cliff … you have  unanswered questions about God’s dealings in your life … now you see God eyeball to eyeball… and He directs His  rhetorical questions to you:

·        Can you catch levitation with a hook like you would a fish?

·        Can you capture it and use it as a work animal like a horse or ox?

·        Would it make a nice house pet for your children to play with?   

·        Can you take it down with spears? (Ha! If you even try, there will be a battle you won’t soon forget 

·         And if no one messes with the leviathan, why do you as a puny person     question My direction in your life. I made this massive animal. Don’t you think I know what I’m doing?   (para. of NLT…Job 41:1-10).

The description goes on for several more verses, and it is this description and juxtaposition of it with God’s might and wisdom that finally breaks Job and brings him to repentance and to a deeper knowledge of God. The story ends in Job 42 as Jobs fortunes are restored by God and Job’s three friends are rebuked by God for wrongly judging him. So what I have learned? God is bigger than my pain. God is greater than human error and the ensuing guilt.  God wants my trust; for in a very real sense in my darkest hours to simply trust is to obey.

"It Makes All The Difference"

                                   Robert Frost wrote the poem to which the title of this blog alludes. “Two roads divulged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both…I took the one less traveled by and that made all the difference.” Ever since I read this poem as high school junior, I considered his statement one of self- congratulations and celebration. In recent days, however, I have come to believe it a confession of regret. Frost was a New England Yankee to the core and with that heritage came a fierce independent spirit that fueled the decision to take that lonely road.  Looking back in retrospect, perhaps he saw all that he missed … just perhaps.   When Mom died, I tried to walk alone, I had hidden in the shadows and cried for months before her passing; when the end came I immersed myself in education and tried to go it alone on the less taken road. When Daddy died, I knew I had to choose a different road … acceptance … getting on a more travelled road where there were fellow travelers to aid so that if I stumbled … if my faith faltered, there would be someone there  to be that succor I might so desperately need.  God designed us to live and love in community in happy times and in grief.  And in the words of Robert Frost when we do …”that makes all the difference”

                                                                                          Healing Hearts

I had the privilege of being reared as an only child. I am well aware that certain epithets are associated with the only child …”spoiled …lonely … difficult…”  Some of them may be deserved, but in my case there was a strong bond that formed between my parents and me.  From early childhood, I wanted to please them more than anything.  Because, my parents were godly people, sometimes it was really hard to tell just who I was trying to please; it just all blended together.  Now, I wonder, did it really matter; when children please their godly parents, they are pleasing God.  I said good bye to my mother eleven years ago as I trusted her to the loving arms of Jesus.  It was hard; I wasn’t ready, and I think I went into academic denial. I emerged with an advanced degree, but then I began to watch my daddy’s health decline.  At first he made a miraculous comeback, but then suddenly be he was beset with an onslaught of problems.  I had kept with my mother’s issues via the internet, but with Daddy, we bounced from doctor to doctor and they seemed to speak in such covert terms, that I could understand nothing.  Then the last week in April2012, things fell apart.  He fell in the middle of the night.  Two days later he was hospitalized and never returned home.  It was a shock and a blow.  I didn’t lose my parents suddenly in an accident, to heart attacks, or by some tragic means, but death somehow snuck up on us or did it?  I had asked of the Lord … to please let them “get home before dark.”   God who heard and honored the desire of his servants’ hearts (Psalm 20:4) For you see each of my parents had possessed that longing to be cut loose from their suffering.  The same God who honored their prayers will certainly heal my hurting heart.