When You Want to
Commit Suicide
What happens when a Christian wants to die? What are the
thoughts that lead to such a conclusion? I struggle on almost a daily basis
with pain – sometimes it’s debilitating, and it’s been that way for years. The
pain is related to several neurological disorders. Lately it’s been compounded by the deaths of
my parents who were my rocks – interesting isn’t it? That I would ascribe to
them a name that God has reserved for Himself.
They were there in the sense that they understood – they knew me from
birth and had a firm grip (as well as anyone) on my pain and illness, and now
they’re gone.
There have been times that I have grappled with the desire
to go on because life was too painful – physically, emotionally and
spiritually. This chronic pain for a
number of years is grating on my emotions and ability to think. Many days my mental effectiveness is
diminished. Lately it seems that there
have been increasing physical limitations and debilitations. The emotional aspects relating to loss of
mobility and the loss of various family members, downsizing and relocating have
led to the buying into misbeliefs and outright lies. Finally in the milieu of the
stated events the Enemy of our souls moved in announcing God’s anger at real
and perceived sins or mistakes. The result was fear, despair and deep desire to
find a way out of this life. In the deepest corner of my heart I have had a
long standing fear that one day the pain would overwhelm me and I really would
seek a way out.
Over the past several months, I have received the news of
the deaths of childhood and high school friends. One friend chose to end her
life by using firearms. She had previously posted desperately sad and seemingly
somewhat angry messages through social media. I read some of her messages,
noted her despair and attempted to contact her, but to no avail. Then the
unthinkable occurred in her life; I received word of her passing at her own
hand through this most violent means. And
we were left to process the why’s, to process the pain and to hold each other
tightly, emotionally speaking. Another
high school classmate died of a debilitating neurological disease several weeks
later. Now in recent days a lady I don’t
even know took her struggle with life to social media – she was suffering from
a brain tumor and chose to end her life on a specified day to avoid the pain that
would accompany the closing days of her life. Then I began to think dark and harmful
thoughts . . . “what if . . .?”
As I
considered these events and the desires that sometimes plague me, I had a conversation with a trusted
Christian which revealed the evil in my heart that emanated from the
desire to take my own life to end the emotional
and physical pain. He told me that were such an event to occur in my
life it would be no accident, but rather the result of a sinful choice. That
was a rather frightening look at the depth to which my sinful heart could sink in
the face of personal struggles and fear. I believe God’s word has the answer to
for the Christian who is in so much pain he or she despairs of life. It is found in Lamentations 3:21-25. According to some conservative scholars, in
the immediate context, Jerusalem lay in ruins, the temple was destroyed, the
Jews were in exile and life, as they had known it for many years, was
over. Then Jeremiah, the weeping
prophet, moves in with his message of hope, tucked away in this small Old
Testament book.
In the
current scheme of things, life happens; illness occurs; our strength is sapped
and our dreams lie dead in the dust, and so we enter into the exile of life’s
events. Sometimes people feel as though
their bodies and hearts have been ravaged by pain in much the same way
Jerusalem was ravaged by the Babylonians and they have been forced into some
form of exile. It seems though in both
instances exiles ask the same questions ---“Where is God?” “WHERE is God?” “Where IS God?” “Where is GOD? How can I find
His purpose amidst the rubble of my life?
Jeremiah, looking at the waste land that used to be his beloved home and his beloved temple, penned
the following as he desperately tried to bolster his own flagging courage and
the courage of his fellow compatriot exiles. The same message can be spoken to those who so
desperately seek hope in the midst of their pain
21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new
every morning;
great is
your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
Jeremiah’s words have great wisdom for the Christian
struggling with despair
.
He says that there is hope in knowing
certain facts.
He says that God’s mercy
– His unfailing, faithful love never ends – it’s always there.
Likewise His compassion never ends; His compassion
and unfailing love are renewed for us every morning.
“This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. “ When
these troublesome thoughts overtake you, it is time to call to mind certain key
concepts so that you can have hope, i.e. the ability to wait, completely
trusting God’s timing.
The first thing that
you must recall and understand is that “The steadfast love of the Lord never
ceases” (ESV). The word used for “steadfast love” in the Hebrew is
hesed – the ever loyal love of God that
is good and compassionate toward its objects.
Hesed envelops said objects, i.e.
those who are believers. When grief and pain threaten to overwhelm you, you can
rest in the
hesed of God and have
perfect hope that He is working out His plan in and through you and the pain
that you experience will not overwhelm you to the point of despair.
This
hesed will never be used up, never run out, or never give up.
This love of God hangs in there with you even
when you are facing the most painful of circumstances.
The second part of the verse informs us that “His mercies
never come to an end” (ESV). The word for mercies actually refers to a family
type of love.
God loves you in your pain just as though you
were family, and the really good news is that you are if you have come to
Christ in faith for salvation.
This love
is never spent, never exhausted even in the face of debilitating pain.
This love persists with its objects giving
rest and relief.
Jeremiah would
underscore this concept in the book that bears his name,
“I have loved you with an
everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you” (Jeremiah
31:3, ESV).
It is this everlasting love
that affords us hope in the darkest of circumstances.
Circumstances eventually end, but the love of
God continues.
The third part of the verse reminds you that the mercy and
love of God are “new every morning.” God
renews His commitment to seeing you through the milieu of pain and debilitation
that threaten to undo you. The
underscoring doxology is “great is your faithfulness.” God’s steadfastness is abundant; it surpasses your
temporal pain and despair. When you
reach the end of yourself God is there and He bids you reach out and embrace
his steadfast love in the face of your flagging faith and will to live. He is
there even though He appears to be deafeningly silent.
As you look to his steadfast love and faithfulness, your
heart should cry out that the LORD –Yahweh, your covenant keeping God is your
portion -- He alone is your hope. When the pain meds afford little relief—when
the nights are long—when loneliness overtakes you, He is the reason for our
hope. God and Heaven are waiting, but
only in His time.
This message gives me hope on my bad days, those days when I
experience high levels of pain and discouragement. I begin to look past the pain and look for
expressions of God’s love and mercy. He
is there even when I think His silence is deafening. God is faithful … His mercies awake with me every
morning. My job is to trust Him and not surrender to despair or entertain dark
thoughts, but rather to allow His faithful mercy and love to undergird me
regardless of life’s circumstances.
